Hey look, another aside

So, this post has been brewing for…quite a while. After the “last aside,” I still had a couple of things that I wanted to get down before I thought about them too hard and decided not to. My wavering is centered around a couple of things – one, I don’t think this is an easy topic to write about, and two, I’ve pretty much made it a personal policy to not talk about sex on the internet, especially not with people who I don’t actually “know.”  But I feel like, especially recently, there has been a lot of butch writing online (and no, I’m not going to call out or point fingers, but trust, it’s there) on the topic, and that for the most part it’s been slightly one dimensional. Additionally, it seems like many of the butch writers that do wax on this subject seem to identify as tops and Daddies, and not many are writing about other expressions of their sexuality. I thought I would just clear the air a little bit, especially for newly minted butches who are obsessing over all the choices they’re making, and may be thinking less of themselves because no one’s writing about some of the things they’re into.

Before getting too deep into it,  I want to say that whatever you do or don’t do in your own bedroom (or kitchen, or car, or alley, or….you get it) is totally awesome.  I’m certainly not the type to criticize the activities that people partake in, as long as both (or more) partners are consenting adults. My main concern right now is that there seems to be this weird hierarchy of “butchness,” and that some of it is centered around this idea that in order to be really really butch you need to be a top, Daddy, or stone. These are all really awesome things to be, if that is what you enjoy and are most comfortable with. It’s equally awesome to not be any of those things, and no matter what you are, that has NOTHING to do with your “butchness.”  If you’re a sub, boy, boi, bottom, or not kinky, well, awesome!  You should ENJOY what makes you happy, and your partaking in anything that make you happy  doesn’t make you less butch.

One more thing? Butch and femme may go together well but so does butch/butch, butch/ANYTHING (or nothing) ELSE!  As long as you show respect for your fellow queer, feel free to hook up with anyone who suits your fancy:)

Not partaking in activities you’re not into and making a choice to not be pressured into doing so?  Well. That’s pretty butch to me.

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12 Responses to “Hey look, another aside”

  1. Hear, hear. While there’s a certain amount of privilege afforded those of us who fit the “expectation” ( femme, bottom, submissive, yep that’s me), I hate the fact that the expectation exists. While I know that I can’t shed that privilege, I do try, as with coming out to educate about what “gay” looks like, to make it clear that I am those things after actively considering my self and my desires – it’s not a default, it’s not a copout, it’s not because that’s what I think someone else wants me to be.

  2. right on!

  3. Not that I didn’t know all ready, but it’s great to see that sort of affirmation in print. It can be easy to let all those expectations and stereotypes and desires to be “top butch” get you down.

  4. Rockin post. While gender and sex are related we should not let them become entirely tangled up in each other.

  5. *Standing ovation*

  6. I also love this post! I wish I had something more than “hear, hear” to say.

  7. Thank you.

    From,
    A proud switch

  8. I also want to say, that so far what I’ve loved about your posts are their simplicity and matter-of-fact-ness. You tap into your experience, and don’t have the play the essay contest meme that most bloggers do. Not that theory isn’t powerful, but sometimes we get so un-grounded forgetting that this is really about our lives as people.

    – D

    • Great post. I’m tired of the hierarchy as well (shit, I hope I’m not part of it!), so I can identify with this. Sometimes I get fed up with the theories and vague butch policy and just want to hear about life. That’s the most inspirational thing to me.

      Thanks for the nice reminder.

  9. thank you.

  10. Bravo! SB. It can’t be said or written and read enough.

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