Pushing away the rock under which I have crawled

Yeah. I make promises and don’t keep them, but only when it comes to blogging. The reality is that life is freaking CRAZY right now, and I barely have time to get all the things I need to get done for my life to flow correctly, never mind actually going shopping, or thinking about shopping or finding something awesome to post about.

The real truth is I’ve been keeping a secret. Kind of a big one that I still get nervous about talking of, but…now is a good enough time as any for the reveal:


Hi. That’s our thumb-sucking little girl. My wife has been incredible, growing this little person for the past 22 weeks, and I can’t wait to meet her this summer.

But.

A baby. And a little girl at that! I mean, I can’t wait to be a daddy, but how is the world going to get that? How is she? I need to figure out something for her to call me because I don’t feel like anything starting with “m” works for me. Β I have been wanting to be a parent for so long, that I’m sort of shocked with the trepidation that I have now that my dreams are almost realities.

And speaking of girls – She’s not even here yet and people are so ready to throw gendered bs on her already! How can I combat this? I mean, we’re in no position to turn away any of the stuff that people are starting to give to us, but so. much. PINK. I can’t wait to wear matching clothing with her though. I’m keeping myself from buying her teeny tiny matchy sneakers as it is. Yes, I know, I’m ridiculous.

Speaking of pink and girly things – I love pink. I really do. But….It’s weird. I love girls in dresses. I LOVE girly girls. So why does it fill me with fear to potentially raise a girly girl? Β I’m “supposed” to be beyond this, but I’m secretly hoping for an adorable tomboy who likes to get dirty and play sports with me.

I know this is probably disjointed and not really expressing my thoughts well but – any butch moms/daddies out there have any advice?

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24 Responses to “Pushing away the rock under which I have crawled”

  1. Gotcha Girl Says:

    First, congratulations. This is a big deal. πŸ˜‰ You and your wife are now in the seat in which so many of us have been – that of expectant parent. Everyone and their brother is going to have something to say, so I won’t add to it. I will tell you that despite everything I did to raise my two girls as fitting to my worldview, they have still created their own space in this world. All will come in due time – enjoy the ride!

  2. Whoa, congratulations! I have absolutely no parenting/pre-parenting advice, but my friends who just had a baby put her in her pink clothes when they’re at home and go for more gender-neutral stuff when other people are going to see her. For whatever that’s worth. Pink can’t hurt, right? As long as once she’s old enough to express a preference, you are able to hear her preference. Congratulations again!

  3. You sound just as nervous as any knew mom/dad I’ve ever known. I’m with GG….congrats and enjoy the ride!

    Have you read the ‘lesbian dad’ blog? I think it will come up if you do a web search.

  4. Just found you on Calliope’s blog, so you don’t know me from Adam. Yeah, check out LD – she’s awesome, and an awesome Baba. Also, my wife and I adopted a little girl, and our initial panicking about girly girlness was (I think) about not wanting her to swallow society’s gender expectations for her unthinkingly. Which – what were the chances with two lesbian parents up in her grill every day about Teh Patriarchy? πŸ˜‰ But seriously, we’ve got a little girl who’s addicted to sparkles and hot pink, but then is also addicted to athletic pursuits and playing in mud puddles. Who loves being girly, but sees nothing ungirly about running hard and wrestling and showing off her wicked pipes (her biceps and 6-pack are the pride of the family, and she will show them off at any opportunity). So – all is possible. Our kids will go even farther than we have in re-imagining gender. It won’t always be comfortable for us, but I’ve totally come to trust that my girl isn’t swallowing anything unthinkingly. She will be entirely who she is, and part of who she is is my beloved daughter, the kid I make pancakes with, and that her mama runs foot races with. Congratulations!

  5. My partner came along 6 months into my little girl’s life, so there was no question that there was only going to be one mommy. Still, she needed a name because she was going to be important in my daughter’s life. As S began to notice that other families usually seemed to come with one mommy and one daddy and that there were usually marked differences between the two, she naturally began calling my sometimes rather butch girlfriend ‘Daddy.’ This made my partner really uncomfortable at first, but it was the beginning of S naming her as a parental figure, so it was important and touching too. We modified it to Tatty, and the name stuck.

    Now that she’s 2 and a bit more conscious of gender, S seems to be modifying the name again to something like Mama Tatty. I like that S gets to choose this.

  6. CONGRATULATIONS, SB!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m glad both of your ladies are healthy and that you’re so happy. πŸ˜€

    I’m just commenting to say that one of my lesbian B/F couple friends have a lovely baby girl who is absolutely *drenched* in pink (and Dora). Don’t get me wrong, I love PINK, but ASSUMING that your baby girl likes and wants to BE that girly-girl makes me uncomfortable. I worry about the messages it sends her, that she should/will be like *this* or like *that.* I hope you tell people to keep the gender binary off your baby, please. And thank you! You have the right to be as bossy as you wanna be! It’s your family.

  7. I tried very hard to grow my own personal tomboy. Right now she is the exact opposite, everything I never liked when I was a little boy. (My grandmother is thrilled.) However, I am finding it all quite endearing on the other side, and I know that tastes aren’t forever.

    Good luck. If you end up with a girly girl, I have a lot of hand me downs.

  8. I am so so so so so excited!
    woo!

    I had no say so in whether W was a boy or a girl. And I have no say so in whether or not he will be a girly boy or a boyly boy πŸ˜‰ I just love him- every inch of him and feel lucky to be his Mom.

    He calls me: Momma, Maaaaaaa, coffeee, Hey!, and now Mother has taught him to call me “Dee”. Nice, right?

    I’ll answer to anything.

    Have I mentioned how excited I am for you guys?? I am. Hugely so. She’s such a lucky girl who is going to arrive to a world with two parents that love her.

  9. black screens make my eyes water, so I’ll ping ya. πŸ˜‰

    xo

  10. I, for one, would love to see you & your little girl in matching neckties and sweater vests. But that’s just me.

  11. I also just wandered over from Cali’s blog, but do you know Polly over at http://www.lesbiandad.net? She is Baba to her children, who grew in the body of her lovely wife. I love the name Baba.

    If you are willing to risk an offbeat name, you can wait and see what the baby calls you. My partner and I are This Mommy and That Mommy. (Which does get grammarily confusing.)

  12. Wow! Big news! Congrats!

  13. Congrats!!! That is so awesome πŸ˜€ Keep us updated!

  14. congrats!! girls are fabulous, and yes as much as you try to “gender neutralize” the clothing and gifts…you really cant escape what your little one will naturally be attracted to once they reach that age. We had boy-girl twins and started everything off with greens and yellows. Today almost four years later, my little girl picked a pink for her walls and my boy a green.
    As far as labels: i was totally cool with Mama, my lady is Mommy…A butch lesbian mother I know goes by Baba…her son thinks she is a daddy now that he is just over 2.
    we have awesome gay/les family inclusive books to recommend for story time (I know you have some time till them but would love to share)

    Best you and your wife during this exciting time!

  15. lyondclarasval Says:

    Congrats. This is wonderful news. Lesbian Dad blogger’s two children call her Baba. The story of the name is in her archive. She is great reading for butch parents.

  16. Congratulations! How do you know it’s a girl, though, the baby being too young to tell you what their gender is? πŸ˜›

    I like the Baba idea. It can be masculine or feminine depending on what language you understand it in.

    • I suppose because it’s easier to say “girl” rather than “female bodied human” – whatever she (we’ll use traditional pronouns until she tells us otherwise) decides will be fine for us. Thanks for commenting!

  17. congrats! that’s exciting =)

    i just met a little boy who calls his mom’s partner “pop pop” – it seems fittingly masculine, but not “dad,” i liked it.

    as for baby gender stuff – it’s *so* complicated, because people are *so* weird about it. but you wearing matching pink to her pink is bound to tell her something good about gender =)

    the only alternative i can think of is not telling her gender, but keeping it a secret may cause proud-parent bursting, and we wouldn’t want that!

  18. gypsygrrl Says:

    congrats to you and SL ❀
    i am also looking forward to you and the bebe in matching sweater vests. i would like to request pink oxford shirts underneath, please. hehehe

    enjoy the ride!
    lots of love to you and SL as you await the arrival of your baby!

  19. Congratulations! That’s fantastic news. I totally never even thought about matching outfits at all, and now it is my favorite thing to think about in re: future children. I think they will need little baby doc martens and little baby fedoras. πŸ™‚

    I have also often wondered what I would be called when I do become a parent, because my partner and I definitely want to raise children. I haven’t gotten far with this, except I think maybe it should start with the letter “b.”

  20. My partner was pregnant (knocked up) when we got involved. Our little boy calls me “mim” which I love but looking back on all of it I wish we’d have just gone with “Mom” for both of us like in the movie “The Kids Are Alright”. It would all work itself out name-wise. You just sort of KNOW who your kid means when they talk to you. And believe me (from experience) in the long run you want to feel like an equal parent, as scary as it is to think about owing the title “mom” – when your little girl is going to kindergarten or in the grocery store with you calling you something other than “Mom” people will make their judgements and have their confusions. Go with the Classic.

  21. My wife is a Baba too. That is what my son named her. Congrats on the ride of your life.

  22. Congratulations, I know im a lil bit late to this party, but as a butch (male minded, female bodied) biological parent of a cute bundle myself. I struggled with what to be called. I know dad wasnt going to fly so well in public as of yet…not that public and I get along on much when it comes to gender, thats a whole other topic. Anyway. At about 3-4 months my lil buddy started calling me ommy when he wanted something like comfort, and duhduh when he was mad. So Im both. The family calls me Ommy J to him when im not around and my friends call me ommy or duhduh J to him. Its something I am glad I left up to my kid. As for the pronouns ur female bodied baby will want to go by, that comes in time. I let my male bodied child live as genderqueer or gender specific as he pleases. Male pronouns are easier at this point simply because some caretakers dont understand other gender yet. In time I am sure my child will come to a personal decision on the topic as im sure yours will to. Dont be afraid to raise a girly girl, a manly girl or some lovely combination of all of the above. You will be a great parent and show that child love and open unconditional self worth. For that you have every right to be both proud and scared out of your mind. I hope the labor and delivery go smoothly and that your baby is born right on time with no complications. My lil buddy was early and those weeks in the nicu took a toll on my spirit. I wish you all luck and happiness with your new bundle, who might be out in the world with you already as I am typing. Anyway…way to go on bravely parenting the next generation of queertastic youth.

  23. Leslie K Says:

    Congratulations! So can’t wait for more updates. I was wanting to share this article about research on the children of gays that shows that they are not only psychologically healthy, but exhibit better social and academic adjustment and lower incidence of social problems.
    http://www.dailyrx.com/news-article/kids-gays-score-2122.html

    Seeing you guys undertake this parenting adventure is going to be great!

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